Jokes page

West Indian guy goes into jobcenter in Brixton he says"I am skint, but, I am honest,reliable, hard working, don't smoke dope and I really want a job" Guy behind the counter says" your in luck just got one in for you, multi millionare needs a driver but you have to look after his two nympho daughters when he goes on holiday 6 times a year, pays £200,000 a year"
West Indian guy says " your bullshitting" the guy behind the counter says" you F***ing started it!

nice one m8.

Italian guy,
when I finish makin aluv to my girlfriend I go down a gentle tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6inch above the bed in ecstacy.

French man,
zat is nothing, wen I finish with ze girl i kiss her all the way down her body zen lick ze soles of ze feet, she floats 12inch above ze bed in ecstacy.

English man,
thats nothing. when i finished riding me bird I get out of bed an wipe 'me knob on the curtain, she hits the fukin roof

very good

thanks

Three guys fishing for the weekend first one says " got to make the most of this, as I left the wife said "if you got time to spend a weekend fishing you can get the bathroom re plastered over the next couple of weeks"

Second one says " know how you feel mate had to promise to fit her new kitchen to get out for the weekend"

The third guy is a little older and doesn't say a word. The other two enquire what he had to promise to get away for a whole weekend? "nothing he replied"

The other two are amazed "nothing at all?" they enquire how do you manage that?

He says " simple I set the clock for 3.30 am and when the alarm clock went off I rolled over put my arm round the wife and said sex or fishing? All she said was "don't forget your sweater love it may be cold"

nice one, Eric. rofl.

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director 'How do

you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.'

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a

teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

Church

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand . He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned
fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use
profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'

Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some
hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared
to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small
penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed
him pancakes. That should solve the problem. '

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large
stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your father.

heres a good one.

three men are in a sauna, one american, one japanese, one irish. there is a sudden frantic bleeping and the american taps his wrist.
"sorry about that, i have a pager microchip in my wrist." he explains. a minuite later, the cancan tune starts up. the jap stands up and taps his ear, then explains, "don't worry, i have a phone microchip in my ear." he explains. by this time the irish guy is feeling left out so he runs to the toilet and comes back a minuite later with bog roll hanging out of his ass, he exclaims: "oi wud ye' look at that, i'm gettin' a fax!"